A taste of our novella “The Erratic Blueprint of Desperation”
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Staring at the popup banner stretched across my computer screen, I shake my
head. It would be my luck. Someone’s already come up with my idea, and they’re
selling it to the public. Damned rich keep getting richer.
I click on the link, wanting to discover who stole my plan before I could think
of it. It takes me to a porno site geared towards necrophiliacs. Apparently,
corpses can continue earning income by starring in adult movies. Wow, pretty
disturbing. Closing the page, I return to the work at hand. No, not what you’re
thinking of. I have a website to create.
Setting up a website nowadays can be simple using the fancy site builder
programs most hosting places provide. This one doesn’t have to be anything
special. Some angry Christian rhetoric—how infuriated they are seeing Tommy
P.’s book on the shelves and so on. The fun part will be the threats. I’m sure angry
Christians can think of lots of inventive ways to kill people. They did it all the
time in the Bible. It’s what made the world so exciting back then.
An important thing to remember will be to make the website not seem like a
porn site. Then again, I do want people to view it. The stupid necrophiliac porn
site got me to visit, after all. I’ll have to give it a subtle porn feel; something the
Christians won’t be able to pick up on, yet capable of luring others who don’t
Acronyms might be a good way to go. I have to come up with a nice suggestive
organizational name, something initially construed as innocent. Only people with
filthy minds will think it’s dirty, while Christians will consider it righteous. I’ll
appeal to the masses by confusing them.
Christ’s United Nation of Theologies. No, that one might be a little too
obvious. People’s Organization of Religious Naggers. Nah, they might not
appreciate being referred to as naggers. It has a negative connotation. World
Halo Organization of Religious Educators. A little too pretentious. Biblical
Institute of Theology and Christian Happiness. Doesn’t really have anything to
do with porn. Ceremonial Organization of Christ’s Kingdom. People might think
I’m gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, except it would conflict with
the hardcore Christian feel of the site. At least the Christian part. It’s fine for the
The Christ’s Kingdom portion works. I can use it. Something like Followers Of
Christ’s Kingdom. I type in the domain name for the website,
All right, I have to get into character to write some complaints to post.
Grabbing the Bible I bought for the occasion, I stare at it for a few moments.
Golden letters. Pretty. Rising from the computer chair, I look in the mirror,
attempting to stand straight and appear respectable. What would I say if I
were…Jesusy? Sitting, I pat the Bible for good luck, thump it, and type.
This Tommy Poly… Polymooni… Pollyanna… Pagan. This Tommy Pagan
is…a literary demon! His novel, The Quantum Adventures of Zombie Jesus, now
available online or in many fine bookstores if you ask them to order it, is
blasphemy! I don’t care how talented a writer he is. His incredibly creative and
descriptive words melded together in flowing sentences are against our Lord!
His beautifully artistic rendering of the life and times of our Savior as a zombie
might be the greatest piece of literature ever created, but he’ll go to Hell for
daring to put it to paper. He has caused me to reevaluate my life and the
purpose Christ has given it.
Pausing, I stare at the last sentence. I might be going too far with it. This
entire thing will need some editing when I’m done. For now, I’ll let the words
flow. Can’t stop inspiration. I shift into a new persona.
I’m a single mother, so I did not feel any spiritual anguish about picking up a
copy of The Quantum Adventures of Zombie Jesus because I knew I was already
bound for Hell. I figured I might as well have some good reading for the trip.
This story caused me to realize the truth of evil, and its name is Tommy
Polyluniac. It changed my life, realizing the horror I faced. I don’t want to be
stuck in Hell with someone as terrible as the person who wrote this book. I
burned it, gave my children up for adoption, and got married to a good
Christian man. He has shown me my place, just as the Lord shows where all his
children must reside—under his heel.
That’s a good one. It should stir up controversy. I hope I didn’t set too high a
standard for myself with that one. I have to think of something even better now.
The pressure’s on.
Thieves, murderers, rapists, cell phone salesmen and Tommy Polyluniac.
What do all of them have in common? Every single one needs to be burned at the
stake, like the witches of old; these are the witches of new. I read his so-called
book, The Quantum Adventures of Zombie Jesus, and I became so upset I not
only burned his book, I burned down the bookstore I got it from. I torched it
with the people still inside. They had to be condemned for selling such a
travesty. I recommend you buy a thousand copies of these damned books and
burn them all. Burn the stores you get them from. Yes, with the people still
inside. It’s okay. They know they’re evil.
Horrible. You know what they say about omelets and breaking eggs though.
This will be the biggest and best omelet ever. Forget Denver style. It’s U.S. style!
Nine years old, I’m only a child. At least I was until I read The Quantum
Adventures of Zombie Jesus. It made me a man. Not the kind of man you would
want your daughter dating, because your daughter would end up drained of
blood, chopped into well-organized pieces, and wrapped in butcher’s paper
before being set on display at the local elementary school’s library.
Maybe I should stop now. This all seems to be getting kind of disturbing. I
should go back to the necrophilia site to relax. What did I just say?