“Super Priest Origin”
By: Pedro Cerda and Daniel Stiles
“We can’t count on Jesus. We have to make our own Savior.”
Standing on the enclosed command deck of the secret government sea lab under the Pacific, General Sanchez stared at the images beamed to the banks of monitors lining the dull metal walls of the circular chamber. The burning White House framed zombies stumbling across the manicured lawn. Vampires piling bodies in the stands of Yankee Stadium snatched fresh victims from crowds cowering on the field. Packs of werewolves swinging from suspension cables descended from the Golden Gate Bridge onto jammed traffic and tore drivers through windshields. Balls of fire fell from the sky onto the Las Vegas strip, neon replaced by flames. Mobs ran through cornfields, spontaneously igniting and frogs rained onto crisped bodies from dark clouds.
“But… it’s the Apocalypse…” someone stammered. “We need the Second Coming! Jesus has to save us!”
The general turned, eyes moving over the semi-circle of a table populated by some of the best remaining for humanity. A dozen individuals of various nations alternated between looking to him and the horrific images on the screens. Doctors, military, groundskeepers and world leaders all held common fear to join them. They carried the responsibility for saving a disintegrating world. Unable to tell who spoke, the general addressed them as a group.
“It is said that Jesus helps those who help themselves,” he commented. “At the moment, we’re only showing him we’re a bunch of fuck-ups who can’t handle a bit of genocide directed against us from some rebelling horror movie rejects.”
Narrowing his eyes, the general stared at each person in turn. “We must initiate the Super Priest Project,” he announced.
“We don’t have the money!” a sunburned groundskeeper exclaimed.
“Or the technology!” a doctor added.
“The Vatican does,” the general stated.
“The Vatican?” the Mayor of Aberdeen commented. “They only sit around reading books and praying. What technology could the Vatican possibly have?”
“Ever heard of the Pope Mobile?” a dark haired man on one far end of the table spoke up.
The general looked to him, not recognizing the face. With his white button-up shirt on backwards, he did not match the coordinated appearances of the others. The general looked to the rest of the group.
“Where’d he come from?” he asked.
“A flying saucer dropped him off a little while ago,” a yawning groundskeeper said, stretching in his chair. “They claimed to be through with him but his town’s gone so they left him here.”
“His entire town destroyed, huh?” the general mused, gaze returning to the dark haired man. A goofy grin stuck in place on the man’s face. “That’s tragic. Everyone who knows you must be dead.”
“You guys know me,” the man protested and some at the table glared.
“He talked to me for an hour about how the Arizona Water Company summoned the Four Ghostmen of the Apocalypse to destroy the world,” an army colonel beside the man claimed.
“The Four Ghostmen?” the general repeated.
“That’s right,” the dark haired man confirmed. “There’s the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, the Ghost of Christmas Future and Casper.”
“No one will miss you,” the general muttered. “The perfect subject for the Super Priest Project.”
“Are you certain it’s the proper path?” the Mayor of Nogales near the center of the table asked. “Remember the failure of Super Nun. Her methods for ensuring chastity were… extreme.”
“Our options are gone,” the general concluded. “It’s time.”
A blaring electronic beeping sounded, causing many to jump from the table.
“A security breach!”
“Mermaids riding vampire sharks!”
“Just my popcorn,” the dark haired guy advised, returning to the room with a smoking bag. “Damn. I burned it.” Taking a handful of the blackened chunks, he shoved them into his mouth and chewed.
Drawing his sidearm, the general fired. The bullet hit the center of the dark haired man’s forehead, dropping him with a wet splatter. The gathering stared, eyes wide, jaws slack.
“Only the power of prayer can fix him now,” the general announced. “Get him to the Vatican!”